DIY No Sew Clutch

When fashion and crafting collide... THE NO SEW CLUTCH IS BORN!!

There are lots of tutorials on pinterest for DIY clutches, but most require sewing. This one doesn't! Hooray!

Supplies: 

• place mat (got mine from WalMart for $1.50!)
• a thin belt you aren't using anymore (the one I grabbed had been worn for so long that it started to crack at the most used hole) 
• crafting glue (hot glue would work too and probably faster!)
• clothespins

Step 1: Fold up the bottom of the placemat, leaving plenty of room on the top to fold over ( about 3-5 inches, depending on the look you want)
Step 2: Glue along the edges and press down. Use clothes pins to hold in place while the glue dries.
Pro-Tip! Don't be a dumbass like me and glue across the bottom. You'll glue the bag shut and have to start over. D'oh!

Step 3: Figure out how long your belt need to be to wrap around the clutch. Cut the belt.
Step 4: Punch holes where you need them. You can use a knife or a special crafting tool, if you have one on hand. I punched 3 holes, each for varying degrees of fullness, depending on how much I put in the clutch.

Step 5: Glue the belt down. You only need to glue the portion that touches the back of the clutch. Use something heavy to hold it down while it dries. I used a cookbook.

Step 6: You're basically done! Put your necessities in there! Mine was big enough to hold the only things I really need- wallet, phone, lip gloss, and keys!

Step 7: Close the belt buckle and pat yourself on the back. You just made a clutch! You go, Glenn Coco!

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Love the idea and want to try it yourself? Pin this post to share with your friends and so you don't forget!

DIY Dress Up Chest

Before I start I want to give a shout out to everyone who read and shared my last post! I am blown away by the response. Within 48 hours of posting it, the post had been viewed over 3000 times and shared on some of my favorite blogs and facebook pages, including "Really, What Were We Thinking?" and, "Mamasphere!" Wow! I’m thrilled to have gained some new readers, and hope that those who came here because of that article will stick around for our regularly programmed posts. ;)

That said, Happy New Year, folks! We’re a little over a week in to 2014- anyone else already fucked up their resolutions? No? Just me? Kay.

In all seriousness, though, I’m not much for resolutions. Too much pressure. I do have some general goals for the year- like maintain my weight loss, continue to post here, and try to keep my children alive for another year. I’d also like to survive the process of moving 2 adults, 2 kids, and a dog into a house that will probably be undergoing some form of renovation the entirety of our time there.

Did I mention yet that Brook and I are becoming home owners? Pretty stoked about that. Look how pretty this house is. We’re going to LIVE there. And pay a mortgage. Like grownups or something. Weird.

Since I haven’t attempted anything blog-worthy this week but wanted to post anyway, take a look at one of my projects in 2013- a dress up chest for my daughter’s birthday.

SJ loves dressing up in fun costumes. Considering she spends almost all of her time at home half naked, this is a little ironic- but whatever. I just roll with these things now.

For her birthday I hunted high and low for a suitable chest for this project. I found this one at Goodwill for $6!! It had already been painted once and was not what I had in mind, but armed with spray paint and glitter stickers I went for it.

The first step was to spray paint the entire thing. I underestimated the amount of spray paint I would need. It took almost two cans to get it evenly covered, but you might have better luck if you can find a bin that hasn’t already been painted a dark color. 

PRO TIP: after spray painting, let the bin dry overnight. Otherwise it’ll be really tacky and start to peel up when you decorate.

After you’ve let it dry, decorate as you like! I didn’t trust my paint brush skills so I bought a purple paint pen to do the outline of the lettering. Then I filled in with regular acrylic paint.

I made a run to Wal-Mart and bought one of those foam glitter crowns for 99 cents and a bag of glittery stars and hearts for $1.50. I only needed a handful (didn’t want to go overboard with the decorating) and still have a huge bag left for future projects.

I cut the wrap around part of the crown off and used heavy duty craft glue to adhere it to the top of the bin, and did the same with the stars. Even though the stars had their own adhesive, the craft glue is a must- we call SJ Destructo Baby for a reason…

And just like that VOILA! Dress up chest! 

Sarah Jane’s birthday is right around Halloween so I was able to scoop up costumes on the cheap as big box stores slashed prices to move the inventory by the 31^st. This is a good time of year for that too. Check out Spirit Halloween’s sale/clearance section for kids costumes under $10. There are a ton available like this Dora costume for $4.97 and this Speed Racer one for $6.97.

To my horror, when looking through the clearance section I stumbled upon this:

Like it isn’t bad enough that a “Phat Pimp” costume exists (oh, hello, misogyny! You’re still here, huh?) but why the fuck would you make that a CHILD SIZED costume? Ugh. Fuck me sideways, 2014, we’ve got a lot of work to do.

Anyway, the dress up chest was a huge success at her birthday party, with all of her guests trying on at least one costume while they were here. And Sarah Jane got some use out of it almost immediately- Disney on Ice came to town the next week and she was so excited to wear her Minnie Mouse costume!

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 Love the idea and want to try it yourself? Pin this before and after pic as a reminder and make sure to comment with your version when you finish!

23 Things To Do If You Wound Up Married By 23

If you’ve been on facebook recently you’ve probably seen the blog floating around touting the “23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23.” It’s full of suggestions that read like commands- some like, “get a passport” (checked that off the list at 14, thanks) and “cut your hair” are obviously completely unrelated to marriage; and some like “date two people at once” and “make out with a stranger” reek of an immature person trying too hard to be “edgy.” It’s like the opposite of slut shaming, but just as gross in my eyes. I would link back to the original, but I’m hesitant to drive more traffic when such an intentionally inflammatory post was obviously written purely for that purpose. Google if you must.

Since I’m 23 now and have been married about 4 years, you might think I have a case of butthurtitis. It’s an easy conclusion to jump to, but really I’m just like

Because, really? Who are you again? Why does traveling the world on your Daddy’s dime and making out with strangers give you the right or even the desire to wax philosophical about all the things you think I’m missing out on? Methinks it doesn’t. So here’s my list of things to do if you’ve REALLYFUCKEDUP and found yourself engaged or married before your 23^rd birthday.

1) Go on a Honeymoon

Kickstart your marriage with an adventure! Go somewhere YOU want to. What’s not to love about a honeymoon? The whole point of it is to travel with your honey and have lots of sex! Matter of fact, take a honeymoon every year on your anniversary if you can swing it.

2) Travel

Obviously this is similar to the honeymoon suggestion, but it bears repeating. Thankfully, we don’t live in a universe where ninjas repel down from the ceiling to confiscate your passport and sense of adventure the minute you say “I do.” Getting married doesn’t mean you have to stop traveling, it just means you have a companion. Traveling is better with a companion, just ask The Doctor.

3) Make a Will

Perhaps a bit morbid to include on a list like this, but it’s an important one. You’re not playing house anymore- buck up and be smart. Make a will, you’ll be glad you have one for #4.

4) Skydive

Because, why not? Do a tandem jump with your spouse and drink champagne when your feet are on the ground again.

5) Face Your Fears AND Flaws

The original list talks about “knowing yourself” before getting married. HA. Wait until you have your first married fight- you’ll learn more from that exchange than half the shit on the original list. Be brave. Be willing to look at yourself and find your part- placing blame won’t help YOU grow.

6) Follow Your Dreams

I always wanted to be a writer. This year I started writing and getting paid for it. So now I’m a “real” writer. BOOM. Shout out to my husband for encouraging me to chase that star and making sure I had the time to do it. See? It’s not all bad, this marriage gig. ;)

7) Learn Why Fat Shaming Makes You an Asshole

This one’s self-explanatory. Put on your BGPs and figure out why being young and thin and pretty doesn’t give you license to be a douchebag. Fat people are still people and joking about the fear of getting fat keeping you from marriage is fucking GROSS.

8) Eat Ice Cream in Bed

It can be foreplay if you want! You don’t even have to split a pint, get your own bowl so you don’t have to argue about which flavor to get. Lick it when you’re done if you want. Who cares? Spoon with your spouse afterward- the ice cream will make you chilly!

9) Be Selfless

The original post listed being selfish as a MUST DO. If you’ve made it to 23 without ever being selfish, my hat is off to you. If you’re a normal human being though, it probably takes a little more effort to be selfless. Go volunteer somewhere. Do something worthwhile. Contribute as a citizen of the world.

10) Do Something Nice and Don’t Tell Anyone About It

Not even your spouse. You don’t need any credit! Ride that glow, girl. It feels so gooood.

11) Make Sex Art

This one needs no explanation. Hang it in your living room and try not to giggle when your Mother In Law comes over.

12)  Learn What Feminism is Really About 

Pro-Tip: shaming other women who WANT to get married and have babies isn’t part of it

13) Grow up. Learn that some jokes aren’t funny.

For example, referring to women as getting “knocked up and fat” is pretty hurtful. Reach out to someone who has had a miscarriage or experienced infertility. Find out how your words make them feel.

14) Write a Blog

Because no matter how awesome of a match you’ve found, it’s unlikely ONE person wants to hear every one of your thoughts and ideas. Make an outlet, use it.

15) Protest Something

There is plenty of shit in the world to be angry about. Get angry! Make a sign, exercise your right to peaceably assemble and make some fucking NOISE.

 

      16)   Go Somewhere Fancy Just Because
and if you can’t afford it, just dress up like you’re going somewhere fancy and have a picnic. Or go to Waffle House. Whatever!

17) Try ALLTHEHOBBIES

Have fun figuring out what you really enjoy. I thought photography would be a blast, but I hated it. I’m giving weaving a go. I do what I want!

18) Coordinate Your Halloween Costumes

Because how fun is that? Besides, being legally bound to someone forever means they kind of HAVE to let you dress them up in ridiculous costumes for Halloween… right? Right?

19) Make a Time Capsule

On your first anniversary make a time capsule and bury it somewhere meaningful to you both. Dig it up on your 10^th and laugh at how much you’ve grown together.

20) Buy a House

Buy a house and decorate it however you want. Acknowledge that arguing over yardwork is just part of the deal. It’s the good stuff.

21) Walk the Walk

Don’t just tell facebook how awesome you are. Just go. Do it. BE AWESOME.

22) Ignore Lists Written by people who don’t know you

Including this one. You’re a grown up, you got this! But you’re almost done, so you might as well read the last one…

23) DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT

Because this is YOUR life and YOU get to choose what to do with it. Whether you want to make out with a stranger on the top of the Eiffel Tower or eat ice cream in a snuggie with your husband.  Whatever, y’all. DO YOU.

Football Chic

Southern Women know their religions:

1. Baptist
2. Methodist
3. Football

And in The South “Sunday Best” doesn’t just apply to your church clothes. I’ll never forget the day I realized that primping for football games was a regional thing. I was 17 and living outside of Chicago. I was showing pictures of home to one of my housemates and when I came upon one of a group of girls at a football game, she furrowed her brows and looked at me, perplexed. “Why are they all DRESSED like that?” Not a pair of jeans could be seen in the picture, just color coordinated sundresses and a romper or two.

Washington Football is in my blood. It runs DEEP. I would love to say being a Redskins fan has been fun, but that would be a fucking lie. It kind of sucks. We haven’t seen the inside of a Superbowl in my memory. And this season has been disastrous to say the least. Today is our last football game of the season and if we don’t win today it will have been the worst one we’ve had since 1964. Oh Lawd.

I guess being a fan of a losing team has been good for me in some ways, though. Having spent over twenty years rooting for a team that sucks has taught me a lot about loyalty and optimism. Sometimes I think it would be nice to wear the colors of a winning team, but I can’t help it- the sight of burgundy and gold makes my heart pitter patter.

Here are the ways I’ve shown my Washington love this season. Too bad it hasn’t seemed to do much good…

I'm on the right, #17

This is my sister’s jersey. It’s a youth size. Don’t be a cheap ass and get a youth size. Seriously, trust me on this. It is boxy as fuck and if you have any boobs at all it will look like a potato sack. Spring for the extra cash to get a women’s fit jersey and you can look slim and fabulous like my sister does, on the left.

This hoodie was a Christmas present two years ago and it is amazing. Fuzzy on the inside and so warm. Get one. It’s a good decision.

A few weeks back I made a total rookie move and made it to a game day with ALL of our skins gear in the wash. So I tried to get creative and go for team color inspired outfits for myself and the boy. It wasn’t perfect, but a Sunday without some burgundy and gold just didn’t seem right.

 This cardigan is great for dressing up a bit too. Black dress + game colored cardi + wide belt and booties = Football Chic... right?

I stole these from my mama and wore them for the first Cowboys game of the season. Too bad they didn’t bring us any luck.

This hair tie was a “sursie” from my mama meant to make me feel better after a hellacious road trip. Super cute and easy way to show off your team spirit, not to mention affordable when most NFL stuff is pricey.

But the item I am most excited about is my Christmas present to myself. I finally sprung for the women’s fit jersey. I ordered it in a co-op in a facebook group and I’m like 90% sure it’s a knockoff from China, but I’m not particularly bothered, tbh. It wasn’t any more expensive to get a custom one so this is what I ordered:

Because, let’s be real, I’ve been a fan for a long time and have learned the hard way that the only name I can count on wanting on a jersey forever is my own.

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Are you a football (or other sports) fan? Share your favorite fan inspired outfits in the comments!

Christmas Shit and My First Foray into Fashion Talk

It’s Christmas Eve! Hooray! We have schlepped through the month of December and are closing in on the finish line! I went on vacation this past week and had a great time but am so freaking glad to be home in my own bed.

Before we left for vacation my twin sister treated me to a night off for grown up entertainment. We have a standing twin date every Wednesday and as we were sitting on the couch that Wednesday chatting she looked at me and said, “I can’t believe Avril Lavigne is in town and we aren’t going to see her.” SAYWHATNOW? So of course, we had to make that happen. And we did. In coordinating twin outfits and everything.

Some Christmas Shit

Before I left for vacation we took the kids to see Santa. Sarah Jane was so excited and wore a pretty red dress and matching purse. She loved it. Butttt it didn’t go quite as well as we planned. Carver started screaming almost as soon as we set him down and I scooped him up so fast I think it scared poor Santa. The photographer was very insistent that I put him back down so she could jingle some stupid bells in his face to make him smile. NO. Anyway, when it was all said and done we went to pay our $25 (HOLY SHIT, RIGHT? HIGHWAY ROBBERY) for the Santa picture and there was literally only ONE with both kids in it because I scooped Carver up so fast. And would you believe how sweet and innocent SJ looks? Almost like she’s saying “Who me?” I swear she pinched her brother right before this picture… she looks way too innocent.

For today’s Christmas Eve celebrations Sarah Jane made a gingerbread house with my twinster. My sister’s name is Britton but in our house, she’s called Cab. When SJ was little she had a hard time with Britton so we wanted a nickname that would be easier to pronounce. My husband always called B “Crazy Aunt Britton” so we shortened it to Cab and it stuck. She even went out and got a tattoo to commemorate her role as aunt.

Anyway, I was grateful Cab was up for it because food crafts are so not my bag. I think I peaked for the year with the Christmas sweater cookies, to be honest. I took the opportunity for some down time to go unpack from vacation. And by “unpack” I mean I put my razor and shampoo back in the bathroom and dumped all of the clothes into a laundry basket. VOILA! UNPACKED! (don’t lie. You do it too.)

But it seemed like they got along just fine without me. Here, have some pics.

After that it was time to make cookies! Again, I don’t cook- I just eat. But Daddy was home today so he and SJ set to work to make 8 dozen cookies for Santa. Except, that is a lie. There will be 3 cookies for Santa, and a handful for Sarah Jane. The rest will be eaten by Daddy in a midnight binge. Count on it.

I think that is about all I can handle for Christmas shit today. I love Christmas but holy worrrrrrrrrrrd I am glad it is almost here and over with. I know I can’t be alone.

Some Fashion Shit – My Favorite Outfits from November and December

I keep wanting to post random fashion related things here since it’s in the title but it feels awfully pretentious to post a bunch of pictures of myself. I’ve made a concerted effort this winter to break out of the yoga pants more often and put myself together. My life is very unglamorous, but that doesn’t mean my clothes have to be. I wore this to the post office the other day:

And this grocery shopping:

I wonder if people look at my outfits and think I’m responsible for things slightly more pressing than wiping boogers and baby butts all day…

Regardless, I thought I’d dip my toe in the “fashion” category of the blog with a few of my favorite outfits of the season.

My Dad’s Shirt

So, my dad passed away this year. In June. It sucked. A lot. He went to the hospital on a Friday and was dead by Wednesday-  it was a whirlwind in the worst way. My husband, who lost his father years ago, told me the best way to keep the memory of a loved one alive was to tell stories. So here are a couple short ones. It’s relevant, I promise.

My dad had this shirt. It was awful. Really, unquestionably bad. A seersucker button down with multi-colored stripes that he kept and wore ALL THE TIME even as his weight went up and down (I can thank him for my yo-yo genes) and I made fun of him for this shirt probably every time he wore it. It was impossible not to. You know how some people say gift giving is their love language? Or quality time? Or whatever? Ours was talking shit. The harder you ragged on someone, the more they knew you cared.

When I got married my parents paid for me to have my hair and makeup done there at the house so I wouldn’t have to go into a salon. When the hairstylist got there she told me I needed a button down shirt so I could take it off and put on my wedding dress without messing up my hair. I didn’t have one anywhere so my sister ran to my dad to ask him for one. A few minutes later I heard him at the door and he stuck his arm through holding that awful shirt. “Here,” he said. “I know how much you love this one.”

When my dad died, my brother and I went to clean out his stuff from where he had been living. Hanging in the closet was this shirt. I took it and told my brother I wanted to keep it. I had no idea what I would do with it, but I knew that I needed to hold onto it. So I hung it in my closet and it sat there for a few months, untouched.

One week I was having a really hard time dealing with the loss of my dad. I was re-living that last week when he was in the hospital and wondering what I could have done differently, what I should have said instead. I just missed my dad. I felt robbed. I knew I needed to get out of the house, so I got the kids dressed and when I went to dress myself I stopped at the space in my closet where the shirt was hanging. I pulled it out and wore it.

I’m sure that to a lot of people that seems strange. But I felt such a sense of peace and comfort wearing that shirt. I felt my dad there with me. I’m sure that he was looking down on me from somewhere, laughing his ass off to see me so happily wearing the shirt that I had always given him such shit for. I know he would have loved it.

Thanksgiving – Don’t Be Fooled

This year for Thanksgiving I decided to dress up for a change. It felt great to put on a dress and some heels even though I wasn’t planning to leave the house. I think I rather looked like a 50s housewife, don’t you? I mistakenly made a comment to that effect while my mother and husband slaved over the meal and I watched football- they were quick with the retort that I only LOOKED like one. ;)

Christmas Party – Tis the season!

My husband’s family has a Christmas party every year and I love it so much. We do a funny gift swap that is always good for a laugh and I love the chance to dress up. This year I bought a new dress with lace overlays and some black heels with little bows. Because seriously, what is cuter and daintier for a Christmas party than heels with freaking BOWS on them?

 Really though, when in doubt, especially with his family I could always wear this.

Because nothing says “Tis the Season” quite like two reindeer fucking. Merry Christmas, y’all!